Shunned by Chick-Fil-A, Gay Chickens Endorse KFC
KFC? More like GAY-F-C!
After Chick-Fil-A president Dan Cathy publicly admitted he was opposed to gay marriage, its finger-lickin’ good competitor decided to let their rainbow flag fly.
KFC spokesman Aaron French told OMGG.com that not only does the fast food chain support same sex marriage, they’ve been breeding homosexual chickens since the 1970s.
“We’ve noticed that cooping the males together keeps them relaxed and quiet,” French said. “It’s like Colonel Sanders used to say, ‘More f#cking means less clucking’.”
Matthew Perry Undergoes Surgery to Remove Smug Look
When Matthew Perry first saw the trailer for his new NBC sitcom Go On, he was horrified.
“I had that same smug look on my face I had during my 10-year run as Chandler Bing,” the actor told OMGG.com. “No wonder I’m always typecast as a self-loathing, sarcastic dickhead.”
This morning, the 43-year old underwent facial reconstructive surgery to correct the glaring defect.
“He came in here with such a cocky smirk on his face, I nearly didn’t go through with the procedure,” plastic surgeon Dr. Harold Rosen told reporters. “He’s recovering nicely, though, and moments ago was even able to smile for the first time!”
Attractive Girl Accidentally Attends Comic-Con
A beautiful woman was gawked at by confused nerds recently after she accidentally walked into the San Diego Convention Center during Comic-Con.
“I got the days mixed up and thought there was a flower show in town,” explained 25-year old Amanda Windson. “Next thing I know, I’m bombarded by geeks asking if they can take a photo of me.”
Despite being surrounded by hundreds of morbidly obese men dressed in superhero costumes, it was hard to miss the buxom blonde as she scurried towards the exit.
“I felt kind of bad for her, to be honest,” said Star Trek aficionado Justin Harlan. “Everywhere she walked, a trail of masturbating virgins were right behind her.”
Ashton Kutcher Also Begs Viewers to Stop Watching Two and Half Men
Two and a Half Men “star” Angus T. Jones came under fire for begging viewers to stop watching his show recently, calling it “filth.”
While OMGG.com’s entire staff agreed that this was solid advice, we’ve learned that Jones has since recanted, claiming he was brainwashed by a cult.
“Angus realized that without those paychecks, he’d be doling out handjobs for beer money by the time he turned 30,” Jon Cryer told us. “He’s currently being bathed in Holy Water by (show creator) Chuck Lorre.”
This morning, Ashton Kutcher weighed in on his young co-star’s breakdown.
“Leave the kid alone, it’s absolute torture being on this god-awful program,” the sexy star said. “Ever since Charlie Sheen left, the show is completely unwatchable!”
Robert Pattinson Shocked He Wasn’t Named “Sexiest Man”
Channing Tatum was named People magazine’s ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ this week, and he couldn’t be more excited.
“This is the pinnacle, it’s the reason I got into acting,” the Magic Mike star told OMGG.com. “It’s the Oscar for attractive people!”
While Tatum celebrated his success, actor Robert Pattinson called his third place finish in this year’s voting a disgrace.
“Not putting me on the cover is perhaps the greatest injustice since the holocaust,” an angry R-Patz tweeted this morning. “Anyone who doesn’t agree has never seen my cheekbones up close.”
Diane Sawyer Admits Being Drunk on Election Day
Many suspected Diane Sawyer was a bit tipsy as she anchored Tuesday night’s election returns on ABC.
OMGG.com investigators retrieved footage from an in-studio hidden camera that reveals the 66-year old was actually hammered.
This morning we sat down with George Stephanopoulos, who recalled being seduced the entire night.
“Diane was grabbing my thigh under the news desk, but that wasn’t the worst of it,” said Sawyer’s co-anchor. “While Romney was making his concession speech, she leaned over and asked if she could see my ’2012 Erection Coverage’.”
Kenyan Wins Canceled New York City Marathon
Officials decided late Friday afternoon to cancel the New York City Marathon, but that didn’t slow down Kenyan distance runner Geoffrey Mughai.
The 29-year old easily glided to victory in 2 hours and 21 minutes, delighting spectators who watched from nearby canoes.
“I can’t believe the locals are complaining about wet conditions,” Mughai told OMGG.com. “I much prefer this to the drought affecting my country.”
Fellow Kenyan Isaiah Muncarp finished second, while American Olympic hero Michael Phelps shocked the world by swimming his way to the bronze.
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Disney Buys LucasFilms and Immediately Ruins Star Wars
Once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away, Star Wars wasn’t owned by a corporate juggernaut.
But earlier this week, Disney bought Lucasfilm for $4 billion, adding the legendary film franchise to its stable of business entities.
“We plan on releasing a family-friendly Episode VII in 2015,” Disney executive Christian Tipple announced this morning. “Parents will be relieved to learn that the once-scary Darth Vader will now be played by Mickey Mouse.”
Lucasfilm founder George Lucas told OMGG.com the financial windfall means he can finally retire.
“I just paid off my car loan early, which felt great,” Lucas said. “My next major investment will be hiring a personal trainer for my neck.”
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