SPORTS

Gary Bettmen, embroiled in his third lockout since being named NHL commissioner in 1993, has shifted his focus towards brokering peace in the Middle East.

“People are calling me ‘the worst negotiator of all-time’,” the 60-year old told OMGG.com. “I bet I’ll prove my doubters wrong when I get the Israelis and Palestinians to stop fighting.”

Sadly, within 12 minutes of Bettman’s arrival in Jerusalem yesterday, gunfire broke out near the Gaza Strip border, breaching a two-day-old cease-fire.

“If you ask me, Gary is doing a fantastic job,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. “He’s the only man in professional sports that makes me look reasonably competent!”

Since he stopped mistreating dogs, Michael Vick’s quarterback skills have dropped off considerably.

“It might be a coincidence, but we’re not taking any chances,” said Eagles head coach Andy Reid. “For the rest of the season, Michael is contractually obligated to electrocute a poodle every Sunday.”

Vick, who spent nearly two years in prison after pleading guilty to running a dog fighting ring, claims puppies aren’t to blame for his poor play.

“Our offensive linemen are the worst in the league,” the 32-year old told OMGG.com. “Eagles management needs to consider having some of them put down.”

Tim Tebow has been underperforming all year, and his biggest fan has finally seen enough.

Just two months into the NFL season, The Lord dropped the pious backup quarterback from his fantasy football roster.

“I tried to justify keeping him, but it didn’t make sense,” explained the Holy Spirit. “Tom Brady is my starter and the Patriots have the same bye week as the Jets.”

God said drafting Tebow in the third round was the second-worst fantasy mistake he’s made since signing up for an ESPN account 10 years ago.

“In 2007, I started Sage Rosenfels at quarterback,” The Almighty told OMGG.com. “He put up decent numbers, but after the season my buddies informed me he was Jewish!”

Pablo Sandoval hit three home runs in his first three at-bats to lead the San Francisco Giants to an 8-3 win on Wednesday in Game 1 of the World Series.

Team doctor Andrew Brackett said the husky ballplayer was so exhausted he needed to be put on a respirator after the game.

“Pablo’s never been a big fan of exercising,” Brackett told OMGG.com. “Running around the bases three times really took it out of him.”

Moments ago, Sandoval informed the team he’s too tired to start Game 2 tonight, but will consider coming in as a pinch hitter.

“If they decide to use me, I sure as hell won’t be swinging for the fences,” the pudgy third baseman said. “At this point, my body’s one home run away from the 15-day disabled list.”

According to a small article on page four of the USA Today sports section, the Indiana Fever won the WNBA title on Sunday.

Playing before eleven rowdy fans, Olympic gold medalist and series MVP Tamika Catchings scored 25 points in leading her team to victory.

Christina Tippie led the Minnesota Lynx with 12 points, despite reports that she’s seven months pregnant.

“I’m sad we lost, but at least my husband wasn’t here to see it,” said the 24-year old power forward. “I make him come sometimes, but only a terrible wife would ask him to sit through a WNBA game while football is on.”

After learning that a man in North Dakota sold a 20-year old container of McJordan barbecue sauce for $10,000 on eBay, Earl Goodman assumed he was about to be rich.

“McDonald’s had mass-produced that McJordan sauce in the 90s,” explained Goodman. “I recently discovered a jug of the much-rarer McPippen ketchup in my attic.”

Unfortunately for Goodman, the McPippen listing fetched a measly $4 plus shipping.

“Pippen’s ketchup was a lot like the player it was named after,” recalled McDonald’s patron Clarence Billings. “It was above average but too thin; probably never got the respect it deserved because it was the second best condiment at the time.”

After an MRI revealed a torn triceps, Ray Lewis announced that he’ll miss the rest of the 2012 season.

Many fear that the violent linebacker, who in 2000 was on trial for first degree murder, will become exceedingly dangerous without having football to help keep his aggression at bay.

After skipping the Ravens’ Tuesday morning practice, Lewis confirmed that he’s already thirsting for blood.

“Sadly, the rampage I’m going to go on will cost more than just lives,” the 13-time Pro Bowler told OMGG.com. “Roger Goodell is going to fine the sh*t out of me for what’s about to happen.”