SPORTS

A tearful Derek Jeter announced today that for the remainder of the year, he’ll be forced to focus his attention on having sex with beautiful women.

After breaking his ankle in the AL Championship Series against the Detroit Tigers, the 38-year old baseball star is done playing the game he loves until next spring.

The Yankees shortstop, whose dating past includes Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba and Mariah Carey, said he plans to focus on hooking up with more models this offseason while rehabbing his injury.

Although his sex-filled escapades with countless, flawless females sound enticing to some, Jeter insists he’d rather be on the field winning another World Series with his teammates.

“Playing a game for $15 million a year is my true passion, and that was taken away from me when I got hurt,” insisted the devilishly handsome ballplayer. “Sometimes I feel like the unluckiest man in the world!”

Yesterday afternoon, Donald Trump demanded via Twitter that Joe Girardi take slugger Alex Rodriguez out of the starting lineup for the team’s playoff series against the Baltimore Orioles.

Girardi refused, and Rodriguez went 0-3 with two strikeouts in the game.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, A-Rod was finally pulled in favor of Raul Ibanez, who immediately launched a home run to send the game into extra innings. The 40-year old Ibanez then won the game in the bottom of the 12th with another solo blast.

After the game, team owner Hal Steinbrenner lauded Trump’s brilliance, naming him the ball club’s general manager heading into next season.

The eccentric billionaire wasted no time trimming payroll.

“In addition to cutting Jeter’s salary in half, I’ll be turning the owner’s box into a luxury condo,” Trump told OMGG.com. “If you have any further questions, please ask our team’s press secretary and Celebrity Apprentice season nine winner, Bret Michaels.

Miguel Cabrera recently became the 15th player to win baseball’s Triple Crown, but admits he’s never really been a fan of team sports.

“His dream has always been to win the triple crown…of horse racing,” said Cabrera’s father, Manuel. “Growing up in Venezuela, he used to pin a tail on himself and race through the streets, pretending he was running the Kentucky Derby.”

Sadly, Cabrera wasn’t allowed to follow his passion because he was born human; and at 6’4″ and 240 pounds, he’s even too large to be a jockey.

“Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to be compared with Mickey Mantle and Ted Williams,” the Detroit Tigers slugger told OMGG.com. “But one day I’d like to be mentioned in the same breath as Secretariat and Seattle Slew.”

Less than a week after the real officials got their jobs back, NFL players and coaches want them fired.

“Against the Jaguars, a line judge spotted the ball four inches away from where I was actually down by contact,” Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Andy Dalton told OMGG.com. “Had the players realized these guys were capable of mistakes, we never would’ve clamored for their return.”

ESPN analyst Jon Gruden called on Commissioner Roger Goodell to “replace the replacements’ replacements” before things get out of hand.

“I feel it’s probably best to play without any officials at all,” remarked Gruden during this week’s Monday Night Football game. “I don’t see what could possibly go wrong if the players were instructed to use the honor system.”

After the Americans blew a 10-6 lead in the Ryder Cup over the weekend, Phil Mickelson pumped his fist in the air.

“Death to America!” screamed the 42-year old golfer, who later revealed he’ll be changing his name to Phil-Abbas Mickellah before next year’s U.S. Open.

Friends of the California-born pro, who currently holds the #16 spot in the Official World Golf Rankings, weren’t surprised by Mickelson’s admission.

“He once asked if I’d consider lining my sweater vest with explosives,” Tiger Woods told OMGG.com. “I scoffed at the idea, although I must admit the promise of 72 virgins did tempt me a bit.”

After a questionable call determined the outcome of this week’s Monday Night Football game, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell finally admitted that the replacement officials are underqualified.

“Most of them are just former Foot Locker employees,” Goodell told OMGG.com. “Because they already had the uniforms, I figured it would save the league a nice chunk of change.”

Colin Hornett, a fill-in referee who officiated Sunday’s Cardinals/Eagles matchup, admitted he had never even watched a football game coming into the 2012 season.

“I’ll tell you what, I’m certainly not surprised last night’s crew did a terrible job,” said Seattle-based Foot Locker manager Raul Sanchez. “Those guys weren’t very good at their jobs here, either.”

OMGG.com photographers spotted a couple of the replacement officials sharing a laugh (and a drink) before last night’s Monday Night Football game.

Cheers to you, Roger Goodell!

On his Friday show, Rush Limbaugh discussed a recent study that suggested the size of male genitalia has decreased over the past 50 years due to air pollution.

While Limbaugh acknowledged that his penis is child-like in both length and girth, he says the NFL replacement referees are to blame.

In fact, the conservative radio host told OMGG.com that every time he watches a fill-in official blow a call, his private parts recoil in fear.

“Roger Goodell better get the regular refs signed to a contact soon,” Limbaugh told his listeners this morning. “After watching that Seahawks/Packers game last night, I’m hung like a tic tac.”