SPORTS

One game into the season, Indianapolis wants a mulligan.

Top draft pick Andrew Luck struggled mightily in his Colts debut, tossing three interceptions on the way to an embarrassing 41-21 loss.

Meanwhile, Peyton Manning (who they released) was dominant in his debut for the Denver Broncos, and Robert Griffin III (who they could’ve had) looked unstoppable in Week 1.

“Is it too early to call Andrew Luck a bigger bust than Ryan Leaf?” asked Colts owner Jim Irsay. “Not only is Robert Griffin III the top-rated quarterback in the league, he’s undefeated!”

Eva Longoria insists the rumors that she’s dating Mark Sanchez aren’t true.

The actress told OMGG.com she’s been hanging out with the handsome gunslinger because she’s been named his backup quarterback.

We were skeptical at first, but team head coach Rex Ryan confirmed that with Tim Tebow underperforming this preseason, the Desperate Housewives star gives the team a better chance to win.

“Oh thank heavens,” the ultra-religious Tebow said when we told him the news. “I’d much rather get passed on the depth chart than have to worry about those two having pre-marital sex.”

The Bill O’Brien era has begun at Penn State, and so far the results are mixed.

“On the one hand, we lost to an inferior opponent,” said Joe Paterno’s replacement. “But on a positive note, not a single child was molested after the game.”

NCAA spokesman Peter Gorichi says the 42-year old coach should be proud of his team’s drubbing by lowly Ohio University.

“It’s been a while since the Nittany Lions went four quarters without a single allegation of boy rape,” Gorichi told OMGG.com. “It’s early in the season, but O’Brien has got to be the frontrunner for ‘Coach of the Year’ at this point.”

Lance Armstrong says that being stripped of his Tour de France titles has him seeing red.

“My impossibly-low body fat percentage is a result of P90X,” explained the 40-year old. “All these false accusations have me experiencing some sort of PED-free roid rage.”

Armstrong told OMGG.com that he plans to channel all his anger into a bodybuilding career.

“The U.S. Anti-Doping Agency can keep my seven cycling titles,” said the banned biker. “I plan on winning at least that many Mr. Universe trophies by the time I’m done.”

The LeBron X shoe wil hit stores this fall, and analysts are predicting it’ll retail for a little over $300.

“This is great news!” said Bao Chang, one of factory workers who assembles the sneaker. “If they make the Nike corporation a lot of money, I’ll likely receive fewer beatings!”

Chang, who is working hard so that one day she’ll be able to afford gloves for her calloused hands, says there must be high demand for the product because her boss hasn’t allowed her a lunch break in weeks.

“I’d complain, but I just got my salary bumped up to 14 cents an hour,” the 4-year old told OMGG.com. “That might not sound like a lot, but it really adds up when you work 18-hour days like I do.”

Calling Michael Vick injury-prone is an understatement.

The 32-year old hasn’t made it out of the first quarter of a 2012 preseason game without needing X-rays, but that shouldn’t surprise anyone. In his nine-year career, the quarterback has only once played all 16 games.

This morning, the Philadelphia Eagles announced that Vick will miss the final two exhibition games after hurting himself playing a game of checkers with wide receiver DeSean Jackson before practice.

“His most recent MRI revealed that his ribs are made out of papier-mâché,” Eagles coach Andy Reid told OMGG.com. “The doctor recommended a therapy dog for his pain, but no one in the organization thinks that’s a good idea.”

Augusta National announced today that they’ll be allowing women to join, allegedly upsetting every member of the prestigious golf club with the exception of Tiger Woods.

“After they let a black guy in, I didn’t think things couldn’t get any worse,” 81-year old Rufus Waspington III told OMGG.com. “But golfing alongside vile, vagina-having females? I’m speechless.”

Allowing women to join the 80-year old Georgia club means Augusta will be undergoing some big changes in coming months.

“We’ve already begun construction on the first ladies bathroom,” announced golf club manager Shawn McClain. “And to the dismay of our current members, we’ll be shutting down the on-site, gay nightclub by the end of September.”

U.S. researchers recently stumbled upon a compound that may finally lead to a birth control pill for men.

“Terrell Owens and I are hoping the same scientists invent a time machine next,” said Antonio Cromartie, the New York Jets cornerback with 12 kids. “Can you imagine how much simpler life would be for the two of us if this pill were around when we were rookies?”

As the only virgin in professional sports, quarterback Tim Tebow says he could care less about the ability to become infertile.

“Sex is gross, and you should only have to have it if you’re married, anyway,” the backup quarterback told OMGG.com. “There’s a reason I’m known as the king of the interception, not contraception!”