Gary Bettmen, embroiled in his third lockout since being named NHL commissioner in 1993, has shifted his focus towards brokering peace in the Middle East.

“People are calling me ‘the worst negotiator of all-time’,” the 60-year old told OMGG.com. “I bet I’ll prove my doubters wrong when I get the Israelis and Palestinians to stop fighting.”

Sadly, within 12 minutes of Bettman’s arrival in Jerusalem yesterday, gunfire broke out near the Gaza Strip border, breaching a two-day-old cease-fire.

“If you ask me, Gary is doing a fantastic job,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. “He’s the only man in professional sports that makes me look reasonably competent!”

A photo of former presidential candidate Mitt Romney pumping his own gas has gone viral on social news website Reddit.

The humbling image shows the 65-year old, best known for having trouble connecting with average people, looking disheveled as he fills up his 2011 Rolls Royce Phantom.

The popularity of the photo has re-energized Romney, and OMGG.com has learned he’s since applied for work at an Exxon station near his home in Kennebunkport, Maine.

“This proves that I’m just like the average American,” the billionaire told us as he checked the tire pressure in our news van. “Hopefully Ohio and Florida residents appreciate my blue collar work ethic when I run again in 2016.”

Channing Tatum was named People magazine’s ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ this week, and he couldn’t be more excited.

“This is the pinnacle, it’s the reason I got into acting,” the Magic Mike star told OMGG.com. “It’s the Oscar for attractive people!”

While Tatum celebrated his success, actor Robert Pattinson called his third place finish in this year’s voting a disgrace.

“Not putting me on the cover is perhaps the greatest injustice since the holocaust,” an angry R-Patz tweeted this morning. “Anyone who doesn’t agree has never seen my cheekbones up close.”

Many suspected Diane Sawyer was a bit tipsy as she anchored Tuesday night’s election returns on ABC.

OMGG.com investigators retrieved footage from an in-studio hidden camera that reveals the 66-year old was actually hammered.

This morning we sat down with George Stephanopoulos, who recalled being seduced the entire night.

“Diane was grabbing my thigh under the news desk, but that wasn’t the worst of it,” said Sawyer’s co-anchor. “While Romney was making his concession speech, she leaned over and asked if she could see my ’2012 Erection Coverage’.”

Doritos sales were up 300% in the Centennial State last night, as Colorado residents voted to legalize the recreational use of marijuana.

“Wait, they did what?” asked Boulder resident Shiloh Jenkins upon waking up this afternoon. “Whoa, that’s so awesome, bro!”

Jenkins, a self-described “ski bum,” says he definitely would’ve voted for Prop 420 had he not used his ballot as rolling paper.

“This vote will finally prove to my parents that weed doesn’t ‘ruin lives’,” the unemployed 31-year old told OMGG.com. “After I smoke a bowl and eat some cereal, I’m going to totally call them to gloat.”

Since he stopped mistreating dogs, Michael Vick’s quarterback skills have dropped off considerably.

“It might be a coincidence, but we’re not taking any chances,” said Eagles head coach Andy Reid. “For the rest of the season, Michael is contractually obligated to electrocute a poodle every Sunday.”

Vick, who spent nearly two years in prison after pleading guilty to running a dog fighting ring, claims puppies aren’t to blame for his poor play.

“Our offensive linemen are the worst in the league,” the 32-year old told OMGG.com. “Eagles management needs to consider having some of them put down.”

An OMGG.com poll revealed that more than 61% of Americans are showing up to vote today just for the free sticker.

“It doesn’t matter who gets elected, all politicians are corrupt,” explained first-time voter Maurice Kendall. “But chicks seem to be impressed by that sticker, so I cast a ballot this morning for one of those idiots…I think the white one.”

Poll worker Annie Vick said there is a strict “one per person” policy on the labels, because as soon as they run out people lose the incentive to show up.

“Last week, I bought one of those suckers on eBay for like four bucks,” said Jerry Punlit, a 36-year old mechanic. “It was such a relief, saved me the hassle of having to wait in those long lines today.”

According to a CNN report, a significant number of American voters were still undecided as of yesterday.

Early polls indicate that those idiots have bonded together to elect one of their own.

“The tea party, birthers, religious nuts and dimwits were fed up with having educated leaders in the Oval Office,” explained Nancy Fornster, a representative from the Pew Research Center. “So far, thirty-six percent of the country have written-in Sarah Palin’s name on their ballots.”

The former Alaska governor is on pace for 271 electoral votes, enough to secure her the presidency.

“Gee gosh, this hockey mom is so excited to go rogue on the constitution,” the 48-year old told OMGG.com. “According to my handlers, not campaigning this year helped put me over the top!”