Charlie Sheen

Michael Phelps isn’t the only American winning in London this summer.

Charlie Sheen allegedly put his show Anger Management on hiatus this week after reading the OMGG.com article about all the gratuitous sex taking place in the Olympic Village.

But according to reports, Sheen plans to leave London with more than just Lolo Jones’ virginity.

“I’d like to assure all the doubters that I’m here to compete,” said the 46-year old actor. “In fact, I’ll be shocked if I don’t bring home this year’s gold medal in Synchronized F#cking!”

Rumors are swirling that American Idol is considering Charlie Sheen for next year’s judging panel to help boost sagging ratings.

“Charlie says he’ll only do the show if Jennifer Lopez returns,” Executive Producer Nigel Lythgoe told OMGG.com. “He also insists that she does the show topless.”

Sheen’s wild demands didn’t stop there.

“I require a stocked bar underneath the judges table, and I want my trailer transformed into a brothel,” said the 46-year old actor. “Oh, and eventually I’d like to see Randy Jackson replaced with a giraffe.”

Yesterday, Charlie Sheen announced that he’ll be retiring after his latest tv project, Anger Management.

“I can’t wait to leave it all behind so I can concentrate on something I’m really passionate about, like winning,” the 46-year old star explained. “It’s really hard to get on camera every day and pretend I’m a functional human being.”

The actor confessed he’s never felt comfortable in the spotlight, even when he was on Two and a Half Men.”

“I didn’t mind working with Jon Cryer and that little fat kid,” Sheen told OMGG.com. “But I never felt that same love and respect for them that I have for my friends, family and prostitutes.”

Charlie Sheen is winning…auctions?

Last week, it was reported that the 46-year old actor purchased Hall of Fame linebacker Lawrence Taylor’s Super Bowl XXV ring with a $230,000 bid.

Unfortunately, the former Two and a Half Men star got drunk in Las Vegas over the weekend and used the prized piece of jewelry to propose to an exotic dancer.

“Charlie is so generous,” Sheen’s 19-year old fiancée, Sunshine Sexx, told OMGG.com. “When Ashton Kutcher met me, all he offered was a night of hot tub sex and some cab fare.”

Rumors are swirling that Ashton Kutcher cheated on Demi Moore with a 23-year old blonde last weekend, but costar Jon Cryer says the odd behavior began weeks ago, right after Kutcher stepped on the Two and a Half Men set for the first time.

“It’s as though he instantly morphed into Charlie Sheen,” confessed Cryer. “He smokes like a chimney and his trailer is full of escorts.”

Is it possible that there’s a Two and a Half Men curse? John Isbell, Kutcher’s longtime assistant, certainly thinks so.

“He’s been wearing those douchey fedoras a lot, just like Sheen used to,” Isbell told OMGG.com. “I swear to god, if I hear him say ‘winning!’ even once, I’m f#cking quitting.”

Charlie Sheen has already been replaced on Two and a Half Men, and now producers are in talks to get rid of his painfully unfunny sidekick.

Most would agree that Jon Cryer adds little to the show, but few realize he takes home $550,000 per episode — just over half a million dollars too much, according to studio execs.

Show creator Chuck Lorre told OMGG, “As much as I couldn’t stand Charlie, at least I didn’t want to vomit whenever he delivered a punchline.”

Lorre added, “Aside from Ashton Kutcher, the only cast member who job safe at this point is that little fat kid’s.”

While taping his first episode of Two and a Half Men on Saturday, OMGG insiders tell us Ashton Kutcher’s rider (aka ‘celebrity diva demands’) included just two things:

1) Vegetarian food for lunch
2) Jon Cryer’s removal from the show ASAP

Production Assistant Karin Constantin was said to be devastated upon learning of Kutcher’s list. “I hope that this doesn’t mean we all have to eat vegetarian,” she sobbed.

As for the request to replace the rosy-cheeked Cryer?

“Charlie (Sheen) made similar demands, but I don’t get it,” remarked Executive Producer Chuck Lorre. “Am I the only one who finds the charm in Jon’s ability to take poorly-written jokes and make them even less funny?”

Long before Two and a Half Men, Charlie was just a little “half man” himself.