crime

Police are baffled after discovering a severed head near the Hollywood sign this week, the third one found in the Los Angeles area this month.

“It appears we have a serial killer on our hands,” said LAPD spokesman Carl Chalmers. “As of now, we have no leads except for an orange strand of hair left at the scene.”

Ironically, the severed head belonged to fugitive Dan Law, a suspect in the brutal murder of a young family in the Miami area.

“I hate to say it, but whoever killed this man may have actually done society a favor,” remarked Chalmers.

Barry Bonds avoided jail time today, as a judge ordered the former baseball star to 30 days of house arrest, two years of probation and 250 hours of community service for being convicted for giving misleading testimony before a grand jury.

The confident athlete, whose neck grew an astounding 7” in diameter during the 2005 season, still insists he never lied. He says his body fat dropping to 4% and his testicles shrinking in size by 75% that year were simply “signs of aging.”

While many have doubted Bonds’ claims that syringes found in his locker “must’ve been left there by some diabetic dude,” the future Hall-of-Famer told us there are other ways to improve your body without the help of performance enhancing drugs.

So how exactly did Bonds gain 83 pounds of muscle in 2001?

“Pilates,” the slugger told OMGG.com.

Senator Amy Klobuchar recently proposed S.978, a new bill that would make unauthorized web streaming of copyrighted content a felony. Justin Bieber, who rose to fame after posting his cover songs on YouTube, could be headed to the slammer for five years if the bill passes.

Selena Gomez reached out to her fans via twitter, begging them to write congress in hopes of keeping her man out of jail. “Plz save him, Beliebers! No way he survives beehind [sic] bars!” she tweeted.

While many are in agreement that stronger laws are needed to protect pirating of copyrighted material, some are questioning the true motives behind S.978.

“I know I’ll be voting in favor of it,” Senator Saxby Chambliss of Georgia told OMGG.com. “Justin really needs to be punished for cutting his beautiful, shaggy hair last year.”

Lindsay Lohan was back in court this morning for violating her probation, and Judge Stephanie Sautner seemed disappointed and angry with the former child actress.

The judge set a hearing for November 2nd that will determine if Lindsay goes back to jail, but it doesn’t look good for the freckly 25-year old.

OMGG.com caught up with the handcuffed Lohan as she was leaving the courtroom, who seemed strangely relieved with the way things went.

“To be honest, I’ve missed my old cellmates terribly…especially Stabby and One-Eyed Marge,” confessed Lohan. “Ladies, if you’re reading this, it looks like mama’s coming home!”

Paris Hilton appeared in a Las Vegas courtroom today, one year after pleading guilty to cocaine possession, and begged the judge to end her probation.

“Please have mercy, your honor,” weeped the socialite, who’s been forced to behave herself since last September or face more jail time. “I need my freedom back.”

Hilton threw herself upon the judges bench and sobbed, recounting the hellish 365 days she’s spent without committing a single crime.

After it was revealed she paid her fines and successfully completed an “intensive” substance abuse program, the judge agreed to close the case.

Hilton’s attorney, Rachel Fountain, said her client can’t wait to get back to her 23-bedroom Beverly Hills mansion and “resume the community service-free lifestyle she’d become accustomed to before her arrest.”

Animal activists are outraged at Steven Seagal for killing two chickens during a raid to break up a cockfighting ring for his reality show, Steven Seagal: Lawman.

OMGG has learned that the ponytailed, direct-to-DVD star had ulterior motives, and the birdy blood bath could’ve been prevented.

“Mr. Seagal believed those chickens were part of a terrorist organization intent on releasing a bioweapon that would destroy mankind,” said close friend Dean Muelfeld.

This isn’t the first time the tanned, tubby martial artist has confused reality with one of his terrible films from the 90s.

In 2006, he was arrested for pummeling comedic actor Andy Dick, who he believed to be a corrupt oil executive plotting to kill the president.

The people of Great Britain are said to be outraged upon learning that Pippa Middleton received a parking ticket over the weekend.

“If I could pay the fine myself I would in a heartbeat,” unemployed royal enthusiast Jayne Elliot weeped. “What is this country coming to when we treat our most important people like ordinary filth?”

Middleton’s $65,000 BMW was parked outside a pricey London bistro with two wheels on the sidewalk, blocking a handicapped spot — but British Parking Association President Harry Gout says that shouldn’t matter.

“Pippa is the most stylish member of the extended royal family,” said the BPA chief.  ”I give her my word that the lowly meter maid who ticketed her fabulous vehicle has been sacked.”

Music fans across the world were shocked to learn that Sir Elton John, who became a father with long-time partner David Furnish last year, allegedly adopted the child as a ploy to get the $547 “dependent exemption” on his 2010 Federal Tax Return.

A representative from the IRS called the ploy “baffling,” given the Tiny Dancer singer’s reported 2010 income of $32 million.

An attorney for Sir Elton said his client would’ve liked to return the money in question, but it had already been spent on “something sparkly.”