film

John Carter took in just over $30 million at the box office last weekend, pretty awful when you consider it cost nearly a quarter of a billion dollars to make.

The interplanetary adventure was handily beaten by the much-cheaper Lorax, spelling bad news for an already-in-the-works sequel.

Today, Disney announced plans to recoup the nearly $150 million they’re expected to lose by making John Carter 2 on an $800 budget.

“The movie will feature absolutely no bells and whistles,” explained Randolph Garelick, co-chairman of Disney Media Networks. “In addition to cutting all CGI and special effects, the entire film will be shot on an iPhone.”

Throughout his career, Michael Bay has come under fire for making “big budget” films with lots of special effects but little substance. The director told OMGG.com that’s all about to change.

“Transformers 4 will have an art house feel to it,” promised the 47-year old, who signed on to direct the film this week. “No CGI, nothing blowing up. I’m thinking $500,000 budget.”

Critics are questioning the demand for an artsy robot flick, and more importantly, if Bay is capable of pulling it off.

“To be honest, I’ve come to appreciate Michael’s style of plotless filmmaking,” said New York Times film reviewer Lindsey Cornell. “I mean, who doesn’t want to watch two straight hours of explosions and gratuitous close-ups of Megan Fox’s t*ts?”

Following the success of The Social Network, Director Adam Cozad was certain he’d have a hit on his hands with Online Friends, a film about Myspace’s inception. Unfortunately, much like the site itself, no one gave a sh#t about the movie.

While Facebook’s value has been assessed at close to $100 billion since filing an initial public offering last week, industry insiders estimated rival Myspace’s worth to be somewhere in the neighborhood of $75 – $80.

Myspace founder Tom Anderson, who filed for bankruptcy just four months after Facebook became popular in 2007, reached out to OMGG.com for his first interview in over a year.

“I’ll be back on top soon, I once had over 200 million default friends,” reminisced Anderson, from his modest two-bedroom home in Amberg, Wisconsin. “Oh, and one more thing…Zuckerberg can suck it!”

Is renowned tough guy Clint Eastwood nothing more than a whiny little bitch?

OMGG.com has learned that the actor/director, currently filming a reality TV show for the E! Network, is a known panophobic — meaning he’s essentially scared of everything.

Million Dollar Baby co-star Hilary Swank said she “wanted to slap him” after watching him cry daily over everything from an itchy boxing robe to a spider that found its way onto the set.

“If Hilary were here right now, I’d give her one of my patented angry scowls,” Eastwood told us. “But then I’d probably run away, because that broad has some serious muscles.”

By Sebastian Updyke
OMGG.com Film/TV Critic
October 31, 2011

Hey DreamWorks, can you do me a favor? Next time you make a movie about an animated sword-fighting cat, do you mind not giving it the same name as my favorite strip club in Reno?

I couldn’t have been more excited to see Puss in Boots over the weekend. I went in knowing nothing about the film (having just returned from a swingers convention in Haiti) but I was eager to catch a glimpse of some ‘top-notch Hollywood crotch’. I entered what I believed to be an adult cinema à la Pee Wee Herman, sporting sunglasses and a trenchcoat full of cucumber-scented lotion.

Not one to get rattled, I admit feeling uncomfortable after small children began packing the auditorium-style seats. Unfortunately I couldn’t leave, as the theater was too dark to locate the pants I’d removed and placed on the seat in front of me.

At that point, the best course of action was to just sit back and try to enjoy the film…which I did. What the movie lacked in sex, it more than made up for in gratuitous violence. It centers around a homicidal cat named Puss, who goes on a killing spree after learning of his wife’s infidelities. He eventually dies a gruesome death, but *SPOILER ALERT* not before getting his revenge, brutally murdering the entire family of the woman who betrayed him.

The Bottom Line: Quentin Tarantino’s foray into the world of animation is a bloody masterpiece!

Rating: 5 out of 5 Stars

By Sebastian Updyke
OMGG.com Film/TV Critic
October 20, 2011

Does the changing weather have you down? Well I have just “the thing” to lift your spirits! Run, don’t walk to see the rib-tickling sequel to the 1982 John Carpenter-directed comedic masterpiece The Thing!

For starters, I will say I’m a bit surprised that no studio execs caught the glaring typo in the 2011 film’s title. Um, hellllo…you forgot the ‘Part 2′!

Aside from the naming mishap (someone lost their over that one!), the film is flawless. It centers around goofball scientist Dr. Sander Halvorson, an outcast from the Bronx who moves to Antarctica in search of a wife. When he encounters a female alien named Xeonis (played brilliantly by Golden Globe-nominated actress Maggie Gyllenhaal), it’s love at first sight. But despite their obvious chemistry, Xeonis eventually realizes her relationship with Dr. Halvorson would never work after discovering his dark secret – *SPOILER ALERT* – he’s Jewish!

The Bottom Line: This laugh-a-minute film noir is an early Oscar favorite. Rated R for strong language, drug use and graphic alien nudity.

Rating: 2 out of 5 Stars

When Shia LaBeouf showed up to the set of his new film The Company You Keep with a swollen left eye, director Robert Redford demanded answers.

“He claimed he’d been beaten by enemy robots,” Redford told OMGG.com. “Unfortunately, he isn’t a good enough actor to pull off a tale of that magnitude.”

The truth was revealed today when TMZ uncovered a video of LaBeouf getting his butt kicked outside a Vancouver bar by an angry patron.

“I saw the whole altercation, Shia definitely deserved it,” an eyewitness recounted. “Not for anything he said or did that night, but for being the Jar Jar Binks of the now-ruined Indiana Jones franchise.”

In what Hollywood insiders are calling a “baffling move,” MGM announced plans to re-release the 1995 flop Showgirls in 3D.

After 3D versions of The Nightmare Before Christmas and more recently The Lion King proved successful at the box office, investors lined up to pump $13 million into the new-and-improved Showgirls.

The original film lost over $8 million and was panned by critics, but that hasn’t scared away financiers.

“There’s no gamble as far as I’m concerned,” said Showgirls 3D producer Kami Havluciyan. “If The Lion King can make $80 million, imagine what’ll happen when you replace Simba with Elizabeth Berkley’s 3D tits.”