politics

With the average price for gas surpassing $4 a gallon over the weekend, Americans were in desperate need of good news, and at 8:15am some was finally delivered. According to President Barack Obama, Osama bin Laden is still dead.

“This is a great day for America,” exclaimed travel agent Melissa Farrar, who is taking the week off to celebrate.

In a statement to reporters, Obama once again thanked the servicemen for their hard work, and said he hopes the news will “make us forget about this whole ‘higher gas prices during an economic collapse’ thing.”

While the president’s approval rating has surged, Donald Trump warned Fox News’ Sean Hannity that bin Laden’s death certificate may very well be a fake.

Being a frontrunner for the 2012 Republican nomination has taken its toll on several candidates. Donald Trump decided he’d rather focus on The Apprentice, Rick Perry forgot how to form a sentence and Herman Cain was exposed as a serial groper.

Current GOP favorite Newt Gingrich is the latest to fall victim, and according to Mitt Romney, the former Speaker of the House belongs in a straitjacket.

Ever since Fox News named him the “candidate to beat” in late-November, Gingrich has by all accounts gone insane. He’s announced a plan to save the US economy by turning Detroit into the world’s largest chocolate factory, and recently claimed the only way to stop al-Qaeda was to “hug them to death.”

Despite being checked into a psychiatric hospital last week, Newt hasn’t lost any ground in the race for the nomination. In fact, fellow mental patient Gary Busey officially endorsed Gingrich on Monday.

“It boggles my mind that a bloated lunatic’s poll numbers are so much better than mine,” a confused Ron Paul told OMGG.com. “Then again, even after his breakdown, Newt’s still twice as rational a person as Rick Perry will ever be.”

For the second straight year, the Obamas plan to hand out Halloween treats to local children at the White House this Sunday. But it’ll be a whole lot scarier this time around.

The First Family revealed that they’ll each be wearing the costumes of their favorite dictators.

“Like the rest of America, the Obamas often struggle to come up with that perfect costume,” the president told OMGG.com. “I’m pretty sure we hit it out of the park this year, though.”

Michelle Obama admitted that going as evil oppressors wasn’t the family’s first choice.

“We thought about going as Kardashians,” admitted the First Lady, “but we decided it’d be best to steer clear of anything controversial.”

Former President George W. Bush threw out the ceremonial first pitch in the World Series last night, and reports say he was saddened to learn that he wouldn’t be the starting pitcher.

“My arm felt great, I could’ve gone at least six innings,” said the former president.

Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington was sent out of the dugout to explain to Bush that he wasn’t actually playing in the game.

“He wasn’t happy after I broke the news,” Washington told OMGG.com. “He called me a terrible ‘decider’ and demanded I trade him to another team.”

This morning, 56 exotic animals — including lions, tigers, bears and giraffes — were released from captivity just outside Columbus, Ohio. Several of the animals were shot dead by police, but the remaining beasts had residents running scared for their lives…until now.

Sarah Palin, an expert aerial wolf hunter, has arrived on the scene to finish the job.

“I feel safe knowing Miss Palin is out there with a machine gun and crossbow protecting me,” said area simpleton Cletus Horner. “She’s like some sort of purty superhero.”

The former vice presidential nominee says she was happy to help, as this will provide interesting subject matter for her eighth book, which is currently being ghostwritten by her 10-year old daughter, Piper.

“I’m pretty sure al-Qaeda is behind this ruthless attack on America, so it’s up to me to stop them,” Palin told OMGG.com. “Meanwhile, President Obama is probably just sitting back in his comfy office giving illegal immigrants free healthcare.”

Sarah Saves the Day

Attorneys for Domino’s Pizza announced this morning that the company plans to sue Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain over his 9-9-9 tax plan.

“This is a blatant rip-off of our 5-5-5 deal,” said Domino’s Marketing Chief Ryan Niemiller. “He’s just replaced the three medium, one-topping pizzas with some tax mumbo jumbo.”

MSNBC’s Mark Halperin says that he doesn’t believe Cain, a former Godfather’s Pizza CEO, would base the crux of his campaign around a chain like Domino’s.

“If anything, I’d say Herman is a lot like Sbarro,” pointed out the political analyst. “He’s dry, bland and people will never admit they support him.”

The winner of this year’s coveted Nobel Peace Prize was announced in Norway this morning, with frontrunner Julian Assange losing to a trio of African women activists.

Assange’s website WikiLeaks had made global contributions to peace by exposing corruption, war crimes and torture — but word is they upset the voting panel by ruining Christmas for children worldwide.

On December 23, 2010, Assange published documents from a North Pole whistle-blower proving that Santa Claus doesn’t exist.

“He made my grandson cry, which is the opposite of what this award stands for,” said Thorbjorn Jagland, a former Norwegian prime minister who heads the Oslo-based Nobel committee that chooses the winner of the $1.5 million prize. “Payback’s a bitch, Assange!”

Hank Williams Jr, who compared John Boehner playing golf with President Obama to “Hitler playing golf with Benjamin Netanyahu,” is under fire after being spotted playing 18 holes with Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi yesterday.

“Hank’s brilliant political commentary used to carry as much weight as Toby Keith’s around here,” said Fox and Friends anchor Gretchen Carlson. “I don’t even know what to believe anymore.”

Carlson wasn’t the only one upset after learning of the country star’s hypocritical relationship with a despot. Williams’ song, “Are You Ready?”, which had opened Monday Night Football for the past 20 years, was pulled from last night’s Indianapolis-Tampa Bay game.

Williams told OMGG.com that he doesn’t understand the backlash.

“Muammar is a really a great guy,” said Williams. “It ain’t like he’s a Democrat or nothing.”